focus and control


Regarding specific tools, there are a certain number of tools that
you yourself can develop as well. In doing so, you will be transforming
your self-knowledge and insights into a broad range of capacities. It is
my vision and experience that you can place all your capacities and
knowledge into two categories:


All the success that you can imagine (and need) as a parent will be
yours by applying these two principles and by developing the abilities
that are related to this.
Unconditional love is unconditionally the
only love we must nurture.
When we talk about love, parenting is continuously challenging us to
go deep within ourselves and to search for that source of unconditional
love within one’s self.

That unconditional love is something that we will need on a regular
basis. We will need it when our child’s behaviour almost drives us to
despair, when our feelings of powerlessness rise to heights that we did
not think existed.
As human beings, our love is almost always of a conditional nature.
I love you as long as…
• you act in this or that manner,
• you do so and so,
• you do that for me in return,
• you love me in return,
• you show me that you love me too, et cetera.

It is harder to love unconditionally during moments when your
baby or child acts in a most unreasonable manner – when he or she
screams so loud that it wakes up the neighbours, when he or she doesn’t
want to eat or to sleep, and when that child pukes all over you and your
belongings, and of course, when you have refused something to your
child in every possible way and he or she sees this as an invitation to
begin incessant manipulation and game playing.

You feel that your child has outsmarted you, taken over, and is onto you.
These are the moments that your love diminishes and sometimes
seems to disappear altogether. The moment you think or notice that you
have stopped loving your baby or young one is when things go from bad
to worse. It is then that you also stop loving yourself.

The door opens and in walk self-criticism and insecurity, as well as the related fear,
anger, and rage.
And that is not a good place to be. In other words, you are in a state
of mind that benefits no one, least of all yourself.
Unconditional love begins with unconditional
acceptance of ourselves and our children.
This leaves us with only one option: giving unconditional love, which
at difficult moments like this is akin to unconditional acceptance of
yourself, and more importantly, of your child or baby.

Your baby/child needs you. A very, very large percentage of the
previously mentioned unwanted behaviour of the first years is directly
related to you and to what your baby senses is going on with you.
Of course, some situations are more complex, and some unwanted
behaviour may relate to physical discomfort.

We, as parents, must ensure that our children’s physical needs are met and that they aren’t
suffering from some type of infection or some other physical ailment.
Psychologically, on the one hand, your baby will want to test you,
see what you are made of, figure out your boundaries, and find out
what is acceptable. On the other hand, negative (unwanted) behaviour
is often related to problems that you are having.

A baby or child can only communicate his or her discomfort in a single way – by being a ”nuisance”.
Think about all the programmes on TV about this topic or think
back to those difficult moments in your own parenting. As soon as
parents are well balanced and well organized (and if need be, have
worked through their issues), then most problematic behaviour is either
absent or rapidly diminishes.

Furthermore, a baby has no verbal repertoire to speak of. Unlike
adults, a baby can’t sit down at the kitchen table and have a good heartto-
heart with us. When children and babies express themselves in what
we label as problematic or annoying behaviour, we set out to solve the
problem as quickly as possible and we tend to do so by engaging in a
power struggle, and that is a tactic that has no winner


You can find more out about my parenting methodology in my book, Oops The Parenting Handbook.

If you would like a free coaching consultation with me click here to find my calendar.